My sister. I have to take a minute and tell you about this chick. My sister is one of my best friends, I love the shit out this girl. She’s ruthless and funny as hell. She went with me for every chemo treatment and sat with me the whole time. When I was laid up in the hospital, she made sure my insurance was getting taken care of. She’s a damn superhero, nah she’s gangster.
We would sit in the chemo room with like 10-15 people all getting treatments as well. The first time was sad as fuck. I remember feeling sorry for myself and a 10 yr old girl came in and was getting treatment, her head was bald, body was frail looking, but she had a smile on her face. So once again I feel like a gigantic pussy. They would have people come in and play the violin while we were there. Then one day this orderly was walking around offering out UofL football tickets. Well my family is die hard UK basketball fans and if you are unfamiliar with where we are from know that college basketball is life.
You’re either Kentucky, Louisville or an Indiana fan and you despise all others! If you say you like them all kill yourself. That’s like being kinda pregnant, get the fuck outta here. So the guy handing out tickets makes his way to us offers them to my sis her reply?
“I would rather be here”
Fucking coldblooded!! Dude didn’t know what to say. Now this brings me to a point I need to say something. If you’re reading this and you work as a care giver nurse ,whatever, y’all need to lighten the fuck up! If you cannot tell yet I’m a huge smartass and regardless of the situation I can find some kind of humor in it, but these nurses had no sense of humor. I know their jobs demand seriousness but if I’m making fun of my own situation, it’s ok to laugh with me. Case in point after my gal bladder removal I woke up restrained in my bed. Arms tied to the rails, this was due to me having tubes going down my throat and they didn’t want me ripping them out.
Understandably I freaked out at first. Then they take out the tubes and untie me. The nurse said “boy you were in panic mode are you ok now?” I replied “yeah but I woke up tied up I thought I was back at this chicks house I used to mess with”. Not a chuckle. Not a grin. Nothing! “You’ve woken up tied up before?”. I said yeah she was a sweet girl, still nothing. I mean damn, come on! Ok so back to the main topic.
I go to chemo for three months. Now when they started to explain to me what was gonna happen after treatments I didn’t believe em. Last time I ever doubted them again! They said I could not drink anything cold or my throat would close up. My first dose of medicine took four hours to administer. The second one took twenty four hours and came in a little box the size of a walkman that I had to wear for a day and then come back to have it removed. After my first four hours dose I went to grab my drink which was cold. The best way to describe it is, you know when your arm or legs go to sleep and you get the pins and needle feeling? Imagine that ramped up and someone smacking you in said body part thats asleep. This was crazy to me and you would think I would put it down and not take a drink. No
My dumbass did and like the doc said my throat closed up and had me freaking out! Then it opened back up so it was only a brief scare. Now the other warning they gave me was in regards to foods I couldn’t eat while having the poop catcher on me. Peanuts, popcorn and mushrooms were big ones. I fuckin love mushrooms and generally look for any excuse I can to eat them. Once again, like a dumbass, I smash on a basket of fried ones. I never made that mistake again!
The reason why they tell you not to eat those things is because they do not digest properly. So depending on how finely you chew them up that’s how they are gonna come out. I apparently did not even chew these fucking things at all! Felt like giving birth. Anyway, back to the first treatment. Besides the whole sensation of cold everything was fine. I’m like shit this is cake I don’t need any of the 20 meds they gave me for nauseousness. Then came the second treatment and all bets were off.
Picture your worst flu ever and you’re still no where close to how fuckin horrible chemo is. Can’t sleep but exhausted. Can’t eat but starving. Your whole body hurts. So after being up like 24 or so hours I’m alone in my room and I start to hear voices. I’m not crazy and I understand how it sounds, but I was literally hearing voices. A lot of it I couldn’t make out but there were a few times it was telling me to let go. Even typing this out gives me chills remembering it, shit like “just take the whole bottle of pain pills and end it”.
I just cried for what seemed like forever until my mom came in the room. She gave me a hug and started crying with me but told me it’s gonna be ok and to keep fighting. My friends would call, text and come to see me. I’m a “rapper” so a lot of the people I worked with came to see me. The guys I started with talked me in to coming back to the studio and working on some shit. It had been the first time I had attempted to record anything in well over a year, maybe longer. I hadn’t written anything in close to that long. He’s a helluva singer and he had been working on trax for me to get on. I just went in and started unloading all my anger and felt like a giant weight came off my shoulders.
One of the verses I recorded mentioned baby moms stealing my pills. I ended up posting that online for a minimum, but took it down when I thought about what it would do to her. But after recording I sat and talked with my homey Wes and we decided to get our old group back together to put out the cd we were never able to do in that past. Now during this I was writing non stop, some of the best shit I had ever written. It was passionate, and went over almost everything that was going through my mind. This next to my daughter were the two things that kept me here.