The Tortoise and Your Healthcare (part one)

So for years I’ve had stomach problems, they would flair up outta nowhere. I would take some Zantac go to bed and be fine. Well eventually it got so bad that sleep wasn’t an option. I took my ass to the ER and they said it was my gal bladder.
After I came to from surgery they informed me it ruptured right when they were taking it out. I spent about a week in the hospital, my baby mom came by to check on me and to pick a fight. Crazy shit was she got in to my phone and deleted a gang of females I knew from facebook. Then, while laid up wants to know who I’m fucking. More about that later.
Now the pain was gone and I’m like cool, business as usual. I got a month off work. Hung out with my daughter. It was nice. Then two weeks go by and my stomach starts up again. Only this time it was like someone was stabbing me. I go back to the ER, they admit me, and immediately give me morphine. The pain was still there.
Now in my mind I’m thinking about Vietnam movies where dudes get their leg shot off screaming, they give them that shit and they stop. I’m like what the fuck, have I done that many drugs in my life that morphine has no affect? I remember thinking well fuck they don’t have anything for my pain. Oh how wrong I was.
I hear the doc say give him dilaudid. Spoiler alert. This shit is CRAZY!!! I went from the worst pain ever to looking at the nurse like heeeey bitch you cute. I go up to a room higher than giraffe nuts, and pass out. Now literally weeks go by (from what they told me) I was gone like Wyatt Earps wife in tombstone. They have no clue whats going on, only I cannot take a poop.
I’m feeling rough and this pretty ass nurse walks in and says “time for an enema”. Like the way she said that shit made me laugh, all perky saying “ok I’m going to enter your asshole”. So she’s getting her stuff situated and she stares at me for a minute and says “We went to high school together didn’t we?”. Lemme tell you this is not a time you want someone to recognize you. Especially when they’re hot, best case scenario is she sees my homey during and she laughs. I’m polite and say yeah I remember you but never woulda thought we’d be meeting again like this. She laughed and then violated my pooper. I threw up. She left.
Now days go by, but it could be weeks. I have no clue. YAY DRUGS! One of the resident doctors comes in and she has a Jamaican accent. She proceeds to tell me they are going to take me off my meds to get me to poop. To which I reply in a Jamaican accent “get the fuck outta my face mon”. I have a habit of when I hear someone’s accent I start talking in it. Plus I’m higher than Katt Williams at a hip hop show. My family steps in an calls a specialist and they do a colonoscopy.
Now I have never had this much attention to my ass in my life! Maybe a finger once or twice, but they go in with like alien probes. I’m really foggy on what happens next and the info comes to me second hand. I wake up and my whole family is at my bedside and they all are crying. My very first thought was oh fuck I’m dead. I don’t feel any pain I must be dead. I try to sit up and my whole right side was like “nah we ain’t doing that” . I pull back the sheets and I have a colostomy bag on. Now I speak WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK!
My mom tells me to calm down and not to move. The doc will be by in a second. So in walks the doc (comb over blonde hair, tan, thin gold chain, corny white dude late 50’s). “Ok well you had two very large tumors we had to remove. Your colon was swollen 4 times it’s normal size and was about to burst. If we would have waited any longer it would have killed you”. Then he said colon cancer stage 3, now I ain’t hear shit else after that.
It was like a movie everyone’s voices just muted. He leaves and my first reaction is “I know I’m fulla shit but this is ridiculous” . But then the thought comes in that I might actually die from this and that I almost died already. I go in to a weird state of mind at that point. I had just given up. The road seemed so long and no real guarantee I would come out the other side. I start calling my friends and tell them what’s going on. Best response I got when I told one friend was “shouldn’t let so many dudes in that ass”.
My friends are dicks.
My daughter came in pretty much at my lowest point. All this time I’m worried about me but when I saw her it flipped so fast. I had no idea what was going on in her head, and I felt horrible for that. She walks up to my bed wearing a pretty dress from her last day as a fifth grader. I just put on my best smile and ask how she was.  She smiles and said she was good. Went in to her day and was just excited to talk about it. Then she asked if I was ok. I explain what’s going on and her reply was awesome. She just says well it’s ok you’ll go through chemo and you’ll be better. The way she said it, the confidence she said it with, I was like “oh I am a giant pussy”!