It’s election day. A day when I used to always post the George Carlin anti voting video to irritate my friends who get super self fucking congratulatory for voting. The requirements for voting are you have to be a U.S. citizen (I think), alive (I think), and 18 years of age. You know. The consenting age to get fucked? Fear not, kiddos. This is not another long rant about the futility of voting. Carlin is way better at it than I ever was anyway. This is more about applying the idea that all those famous people that tell you who to vote for are already employing. Maybe you do deserve an award after all.


From the inventors of the phrase humble bragging comes a brand new way for you to let people know how amazing you are without it coming off like you are some sort of pretentious asshole. I’ve noticed a huge uptick in beer, cars, celebrities, restaurants, toilet paper, just about everything showing off their awards for being best in…….something. I saw a commercial where they actually uttered the phrase “emmy nominated actor, Dennis Leary” to try to sell a show. Nominated? You don’t even have to fucking win now? What kind of award slut do you think I am? I’m not going to settle for the fifth fucking runner up. What time does the winner’s show come on? Fuck, they got me again.


Once a month there is an event where these dicks put on suits made by people that they just make up names for to impress poor people and suck each other off. Your mom watches it. In order to maintain such a ridiculous high level of false self worth you need to constantly shower yourself in meaningless accolades. These are people that read lines they didn’t write pretending to be people other than themselves, and not a single fucking one of them isn’t sure who you need to vote for. Seems legit. I see zero reason why you can’t start doing the same thing.


Awards are easy to get. You can buy trophies online and make them say anything. All you really need is a golden man of some sort in an odd pose with a really boring white name. Want to win an Alex? Maybe a Timmy? I hear Bobby just won his sixth fucking Seth-ie. Fucking Sethie. Happy fucking congratulations. If you want to jazz it up just start adding words like academy, council, or foundation. I just won the Nielson Academy Award for best……….whatever. But wait, there’s more.


Are you black? Jesus tap dancing Christ were you ever born in the right place at the right time. Never fucking mind that you are being murdered in the streets at an alarming rate by people you are actually paying to hunt you down with your own tax money. You might be the first black person that did a particular thing? Isn’t that fucking exciting? We white folks have offices in every state that track the movements of black people to see if they’ve done something we’ve done a bunch of times for the first time. That way we can swoop in and give you an award for being the first African American to accomplish something without a fucking hint of racist fucking irony. African American is the tuxedo adjective for black people. Despite the fact most Americans who happen to be black have never actually been to Africa. They don’t make me call myself a German American mixed with Native American. Wait. I’m mixed? I’m eligible for new awards!


I think you should probably consider the source of any information before you just accept these awards as proof that something doesn’t suck. Every annoying fucking song that’s ever been stuck in your head has won something. They have porn star awards. They literally hand awards to people who get fucked the best in this country for money. I’d google some of the categories but I don’t want my PC to explode. If you think that I’m taking my condescending tone a little too far today, just look all across your social media feed. Today is the day for breaking your arm patting yourself on the back for the “little guy”. The people who don’t get their own limo red carpet orgy of self appreciation on the regular. You should be proud. Your vote matters. Need I remind you who is in office right now, or is that just crossing the fucking dickhead line? What? I already passed it? Where is my trophy?