Hair Trigger

A long time ago on a beach far far away there was an invasion that we were all taught about in school as kids that was the most heroic of events that led to the eventual defeat of Hitler and his band of racist men. You’ve seen it recreated in movies, video games, and every other form of entertainment with I’m hoping the only exception being pornography. I wasn’t brave enough to fact check that. This triumph over pure evil was the crowning achievement of that generation. One they held dearly. One they hate you for now.


I don’t know how many really old people you still have left in your life. If you don’t know any, head on out to a place where they have slot machines and throw a rock. You’ll hit one. So don’t throw it hard, dickhead. Lob it underhanded. Almost all of them have a bitterness aimed at the youth that if you could weaponize it would make nuclear arms makers piss themselves in fear. They saved the day, and then they handed over this newly saved world to their children, and their children’s children.


If you had a magical Delorean, Huey Lewis and the News under musical contract, and a smartphone that could somehow still operate in the past and you traveled to Normandy you could alter history. Easily. If you started showing those soldiers who were about to storm the beach and get shot to shit the United States that they were saving, and boys from other countries the United States they were about to help create, most of them would have put their guns down. The rest of them would starting carving swastikas on their flesh with the knives they were provided. Gender fluidity, Limp Bizkit, Facebook status updates, affirmative action, Barack Obama, Trump’s hair, and on and on and fucking on.


I’m not suggesting your grandparents and great grandparents are closer to Nazis than your average American liberal now. I flat out fucking saying it. It’s really sad to see them sprinting toward the grave before something else happens. Your grandparents weren’t wrong. You aren’t wrong. To elaborate on the subject I talked about in my previous post, you were just taught differently. You have to feel for the outdated racist bastards because they went through hell to save a day that we all fucked up completely as far as they are concerned. Funny thing about that.


Is it just me or is Hitler just a little too¬†convenient of a bad guy? He’s almost literally a perfect villain who happened to use theatrics so flawlessly that he almost took over the entire world. Through unity of the sane and rational people of Earth he was defeated. He died under weird circumstances and nobody knows where his body is. He had really weird hair, but his mustache is infamous. I know I just asked this question, but is it me or is Trump just a little too convenient of a bad guy? He’s almost literally a perfect villain who happened to use reality tv so flawlessly that he has the entire world afraid of him. I’m looking around and I don’t see more than five sane and rational people on earth. In fact, I’m still on my first finger. I think you can brace yourself for a different ending this time.

nailed it


I’m not saying Hitler and Trump are comparable on the evil scale. I’m saying they were created by the same marketing teams for two very different reasons. They used Hitler to unite everyone against him, and they are using Trump to divide. They are just two different buttons on the population mind control calculator in the game of bullshit. I have great news for you though. You don’t have to play.


Next time you find yourself confronted with person who has a vastly different opinion than you, give yourself a second before you speak up. The opinion they have is almost certainly regurgitated from another source. Your counter opinion, sorry to break balls, is too. That passion you feel on the subject is just something you were given and you’ve convinced yourself that you identify with. It’s the team you are on, complete with mascot, fight song, colors, and pride. You can play a game and maybe even draw a crowd that cheers for one side or the other. Sadly, neither of you are going to win. Even if you change a few minds, that’s just a few more people on your team. Your team fucking sucks. So does theirs. I don’t even care what the subject is.


I’ve wasted a huge chunk of my life playing in these games. I’ve tried to use logic, insults, shame, sarcasm, and everything in between to change the mind of other people. It’s completely fucking pointless. Right now my generation is on a virtual beach, and the enemy is up there waiting to go all first scene of Saving Private Ryan on our asses. I’m staying in the fucking boat and working on my tan. I invite you to give it a rest too. Even if you win the next generation is just going to swing in another direction and you’ll die old and sad putting bitcoins in to slot machines in a vintage casino. You can learn an awful lot from your elders if you pay close attention. You can learn even more if watch instead of listen. Or go, fight, win. Your choice, cupcake. It takes a little more than a bad haircut to trigger me. I’m sitting out unless a pumpkin spice war breaks out.