Elephant Indigestion

They say that it’s hell getting old. I can’t walk three steps in any direction without a random bone in my body making a very loud popping noise. I’m like God’s bubble wrap at this point. Pop, pop, fucking pop. That’s not the worst part about getting older though. Not by a long shot. The worst part about getting old is being surrounded by people who are getting old that are trying to stay young. I’m not talking about just the people I grew up with. I’m speaking more to things I grew up on, and the supposed masterminds behind them.


When I was younger I was a huge fan of a band called A Perfect Circle. Most people are more familiar with the lead singer’s other band, the far superior Tool. Their last album was so long ago that if it were a human, it’d almost be able to vote. Very recently they came out of retirement and released a new album. I had a reaction that I am getting all too familiar with now. It’s equal parts embarrassment and casual encouragement. It’s what I imagine a woman must feel like when a man prematurely ejaculates and they don’t want to hurt his feelings. Two or three of the songs are good enough to be my least favorite songs off of their old albums. The rest of it is more akin to a dumpster behind a Mexican restaurant on a hot summer day.


I used to think Maynard (the lead singer) could do no wrong. Now I’m all but convinced his entire career has served only one true purpose. It’s all been to ensure he’s never left alone in a room with a child. What the fuck happened to this guy? Look no further than Kurt Cobain for the brutally honest answer. Taking the suicide or murder fiasco out of the situation completely, Kurt did the one thing that ensures immortality in the entertainment business. He didn’t live long enough to start sucking.

His hair alone makes it illegal for him to go near a school.


This has happened to all of my favorite musicians, but it happens in almost all forms of entertainment. Sports stars get old and break down physically but won’t stop playing until they are boo’d off the fucking field/court. Even Quentin Tarantino went from an amazing talent to the guy that tries to put the N word in his movies as much humanly fucking possible. I bet if you made him take a polygraph right now and asked him if he’d like to change the title of Reservoir Dogs to Reservoir N_____s, he wouldn’t pass. That’s to say nothing of all that Harvey Weinstein rape he was privy to. Nerds have suffered the most.


If you ever happen upon a group of dorks, and you’d like to see them fight to the death, just ask out loud what they think about The Last Jedi. It might take these pussies several days to draw actual blood on each other, but it will end in death if you are patient enough. I was a ridiculously over invested Star Wars nerd before Disney bought them. I watch these new movies the way they were intended to be watched. Too many grown fucking men and a handful of women my age somehow missed that memo.


George Lucas doesn’t make the movies anymore. He invented Star Wars. If someone else makes a Star Wars movie, it’s fan fiction at best. Nerd porn at worst. We all had that member of our family that had a specialty dish that only they could make. They passed on the recipe and nobody else can make it as good. Try as they may, try as they might. I actually am quite fond of the new Star Wars movies because I have a huge man crush on Kylo Ren. His character is literally related to every major character from the beloved original franchise and he’s named after the most important minor one. The fact that he always looks like he is ready to cry and absolutely acknowledges he’s been crushed by the weight of not living up to the expectations of the ones we loved is hilarious to me. I’m surprised more people don’t get that. Maybe I just like a little bit of story in my porn. Who knows?


Bill Cosby raped a guy that looked like a man before it was cool to fuck women that looked like men. Billy Corgan tried to sell out the YUM center and like fifteen people bought tickets. Hulk Hogan went from saying his prayers, eating his vitamins, and all that to fucking his friend’s wife on video and going full Quentin Tarantino. You might counter my point with the grand return of Roseanne, but once your nostalgia boner wears off you’ll realize what an abortion that is too. On a long enough time line everything that was once considered cool will eventually suck. The reason that we care so much is that these people have the most important job of all. Curing our never ending boredom. It’s why I never can turn on my old favorites completely. I just pray to the God of skinny punks that I am dead before a marketing department gets behind a major push of bringing back boy bands. I barely survived it the first time.