One hundred and twenty seven. That’s how many people died in a two year span in just the reported incidents of what I am hoping will soon be the newest “cause” for us all to rally behind. Selfie deaths. That’s right boys and girls, we have reached a point in our civilization where taking a picture of ourselves has become officially fucking dangerous.
The most recent, and dare I say hilarious, death occurred when a man stopped to drain the lizard on his way home from a wedding somewhere in India. Thanks to the racist propaganda cartoon that is The Simpsons, my American brain instantly makes them all sound like Apu. That’s when he chanced upon an injured bear. Prabhu, ever the opportunist, saw this as the perfect chance to get whatever they call likes in India. The bear had other ideas.
His friends handled it much the way my friends would in a similar situation. They told him not to do it, and then immediately started filming the man who refused the sage advice. The bear did what injured bears do when faced with a perceived threat to their well being. To be blunt, it fucking killed Prabhu. They said it was an instant death, but I watched it, and instant must mean something completely different in India. It lasted longer than most prom sex. It was fast, but not nearly fucking fast enough. A dog tried to help him out, but only enough as to not look like it didn’t try. His friends just yelled to make the video more likable.
The comments section on this widely posted story range from your typical frowny face emojis all the way to insulting this man’s intelligence for being so fucking brave. You know what the first thing I thought was? I bet I could get a selfie with that bear without being mauled to death. Dog or no dog. Good thing I wasn’t there. I would have tried to get a selfie with a bear mauling Prabhu in the backrground and I would have #kwikemart for bonus points. Scratch that. I wouldn’t have tried. I would have done it.
Each time that I think that we’ve hit some new low as a species an idiot astronaut somehow manages to move that bar even lower with self sacrifice and an ambition that none of us will likely ever understand. One hundred and twenty seven reported selfie deaths? Those stats are a few years outdated. If I had to guess they’ve tripled since then. Selfie Sudden Death Syndrome will be a thing in our not too distant future. While you wait on that trademark to go through, enjoy the spoils of the bad friends and the magic of the internet. Those of you worried that the bear would be put down, fear not, he was treated and released.