Over the years I have blamed a lot of the world’s problems on what I thought was the complete destruction of gender roles in our society. Men were a little too bitch made, and women just a little too masculine for what I thought was for the greater good. Now I’m going to do something that I almost never do. I’m going to pivot, and then sprint headlong in the complete opposite direction. There is a lie being sold for top dollar in my very own backyard, and I think perhaps I can help. In the past I would have been powerless. Now, I can wield girl power.
With the magic of gender fluidity I shall transform myself now in to a woman. Don’t worry, I’m only going to stay in this form for a day. I’m not going to pull a Rachel what’s her face and try to take over like she did for the black movement despite being one hundred fucking percent cracker. That should be more than enough time for me to turn this whole God damn thing around for you. I mean us. Just sit tight while I firmly tuck my junk between my legs and do the dance from “If” by Janet Jackson nude in front of a mirror………….and………….boom.
I am woman. Hear me fucking roar.
This whole girl power movement thing is a fucking sham put on by misogynous men looking to score a quick buck at the expense of the most gullible among us. If you think that Wonder Woman becoming a successful film franchise is proof that the future is female, riddle me fucking this Batgirl. Why didn’t they cast an amazing actress to play her, say like Kathy Bates, instead of some random hot chick that looks like she couldn’t open a fucking jar of pickles by herself? Because it was a male fantasy film. That’s not girl power. That’s another day at the fucking office. It’s time to throw that merchandise away and start taking on the real issues here.
If equality is what we are truly after then we need to adjust our thinking a bit. You see, we’ve not really been requesting equality over the years. We’ve been asking for special treatment. We want to be CEO more often, but none of us are bitching about wanting to operate the jackhammer. We want to be able to abort our offspring without having to tell the male who helped create it, and keep the children for no other reason than it fell out of our vagina instead of the tip of their dick. True equality is getting the best person for the job based on their skill set and nothing else. If you’d like to start lobbying for special treatment instead of equality we have to start all over again. I’m pretty sure it’s completely different paperwork.
If you want to go to Target someday and all the clothes are in one section just labeled “people”, we’ve got to stop spending all this money painting ourselves up like two dollar hookers. Time to ditch the heels. Time to stop turning ourselves in to the dolls that they want us to be. Hairy armpits, garlic breath, and farting in public are now mandatory. I’ll be fucking damned if I’ll allow even one of us to ever be objectified, or considered attractive. Attractive? Who do these fucking apes think they are complementing our looks with impunity? We can keep spending seventy five dollars for a half ounce of facial cream that makes us look three days younger if we squint though. Let’s not get crazy.
A few of us are going to need to get better at basketball than Lebron James. We’ll need a clam or two to be able to throw the pigskin better than Tom Brady if we are ever to be able to go outside with our shirts off too. We are also going to need to put together a space program and put a sister or two on the moon. Should be easy enough. We need to build a greater wall of China. We can probably enslave those women from countries that aren’t even allowed to show their ankles to build it for us. They seem to take orders well enough, and we sure as shit aren’t going to lift a finger to help their cause. Anything men have done, we need to do just as well if not better if we are going to ever be equal with those disgusting fucking pigs. Uh oh. Fuck. No no no no no no no.
The magic is gone.
Back to a man again. The fact of the matter is that you can’t be handed equality, and sure as fuck can’t just ask for it. Equality happens naturally when we are…..equal. Men are better than women at certain things. Women are better than men at certain things. Why fuck up our overall quality of life to try to destroy something that can’t be changed? I’ll never know the pain of menopause. You’ll never know the shame of an awkward boner. The only movement started by actual women was the METOO thing, and if I’m being honest, I feel like you fucktards left the most important part out. It should have been #sexuallyassulted, me too sounds like a fucking soda ad. I think 7-up actually used that once. Put the emphasis on the important part, cupcake. That way some dumb bitch who just doesn’t want to feel left out can’t be grouped in with actual rape victims because a guy she didn’t think was attractive enough hit on her this one time. I say fucktards with the utmost respect, ladies.
I wouldn’t last five minutes as a woman. I was raised by one of the craziest among you and she may have taught me just a little too much about your thought processes and trickery. You really could have this world by the balls if you would just stop trying to get a set of your own. I have zero doubt in my mind that we are witnessing the absolute height of women’s achievement in our species history. I just don’t think it is women who are profiting from it the most. Until you can figure out a way to fix that narrative, it’s just another “you can be anything you put your mind to” type of lie that you tell yourself. Don’t worry. Wonder Woman will surely save us all.
As a backup plan SSM is bringing on a female writer. An actual one. She might be even crazier than me.