Girl 4 a Day

Over the years I have blamed a lot of the world’s problems on what I thought was the complete destruction of gender roles in our society. Men were a little too bitch made, and women just a little too masculine for what I thought was for the greater good. Now I’m going to do something that I almost never do. I’m going to pivot, and then sprint headlong in the complete opposite direction. There is a lie being sold for top dollar in my very own backyard, and I think perhaps I can help. In the past I would have been powerless. Now, I can wield girl power.

 

With the magic of gender fluidity I shall transform myself now in to a woman. Don’t worry, I’m only going to stay in this form for a day. I’m not going to pull a Rachel what’s her face and try to take over like she did for the black movement despite being one hundred fucking percent cracker. That should be more than enough time for me to turn this whole God damn thing around for you. I mean us. Just sit tight while I firmly tuck my junk between my legs and do the dance from “If” by Janet Jackson nude in front of a mirror………….and………….boom.

 

I am woman. Hear me fucking roar.

 

This whole girl power movement thing is a fucking sham put on by misogynous men looking to score a quick buck at the expense of the most gullible among us. If you think that Wonder Woman becoming a successful film franchise is proof that the future is female, riddle me fucking this Batgirl. Why didn’t they cast an amazing actress to play her, say like Kathy Bates, instead of some random hot chick that looks like she couldn’t open a fucking jar of pickles by herself? Because it was a male fantasy film. That’s not girl power. That’s another day at the fucking office. It’s time to throw that merchandise away and start taking on the real issues here.

If her lame ass rope of truth doesn’t work, she’ll grab her fucking sledgehammer.

 

If equality is what we are truly after then we need to adjust our thinking a bit. You see, we’ve not really been requesting equality over the years. We’ve been asking for special treatment. We want to be CEO more often, but none of us are bitching about wanting to operate the jackhammer. We want to be able to abort our offspring without having to tell the male who helped create it, and keep the children for no other reason than it fell out of our vagina instead of the tip of their dick. True equality is getting the best person for the job based on their skill set and nothing else. If you’d like to start lobbying for special treatment instead of equality we have to start all over again. I’m pretty sure it’s completely different paperwork.

 

If you want to go to Target someday and all the clothes are in one section just labeled “people”, we’ve got to stop spending all this money painting ourselves up like two dollar hookers. Time to ditch the heels. Time to stop turning ourselves in to the dolls that they want us to be. Hairy armpits, garlic breath, and farting in public are now mandatory. I’ll be fucking damned if I’ll allow even one of us to ever be objectified, or considered attractive. Attractive? Who do these fucking apes think they are complementing our looks with impunity? We can keep spending seventy five dollars for a half ounce of facial cream that makes us look three days younger if we squint though. Let’s not get crazy.

 

A few of us are going to need to get better at basketball than Lebron James. We’ll need a clam or two to be able to throw the pigskin better than Tom Brady if we are ever to be able to go outside with our shirts off too. We are also going to need to put together a space program and put a sister or two on the moon. Should be easy enough. We need to build a greater wall of China. We can probably enslave those women from countries that aren’t even allowed to show their ankles to build it for us. They seem to take orders well enough, and we sure as shit aren’t going to lift a finger to help their cause. Anything men have done, we need to do just as well if not better if we are going to ever be equal with those disgusting fucking pigs. Uh oh. Fuck. No no no no no no no.

 

The magic is gone.

 

Back to a man again. The fact of the matter is that you can’t be handed equality, and sure as fuck can’t just ask for it. Equality happens naturally when we are…..equal. Men are better than women at certain things. Women are better than men at certain things. Why fuck up our overall quality of life to try to destroy something that can’t be changed? I’ll never know the pain of menopause. You’ll never know the shame of an awkward boner. The only movement started by actual women was the METOO thing, and if I’m being honest, I feel like you fucktards left the most important part out. It should have been #sexuallyassulted, me too sounds like a fucking soda ad. I think 7-up actually used that once. Put the emphasis on the important part, cupcake. That way some dumb bitch who just doesn’t want to feel left out can’t be grouped in with actual rape victims because a guy she didn’t think was attractive enough hit on her this one time. I say fucktards with the utmost respect, ladies.

 

I wouldn’t last five minutes as a woman. I was raised by one of the craziest among you and she may have taught me just a little too much about your thought processes and trickery. You really could have this world by the balls if you would just stop trying to get a set of your own. I have zero doubt in my mind that we are witnessing the absolute height of women’s achievement in our species history. I just don’t think it is women who are profiting from it the most. Until you can figure out a way to fix that narrative, it’s just another “you can be anything you put your mind to” type of lie that you tell yourself. Don’t worry. Wonder Woman will surely save us all.

 

As a backup plan SSM is bringing on a female writer. An actual one. She might be even crazier than me.

 

 

The Tortoise and Your Healthcare (part one)

So for years I’ve had stomach problems, they would flair up outta nowhere. I would take some Zantac go to bed and be fine. Well eventually it got so bad that sleep wasn’t an option. I took my ass to the ER and they said it was my gal bladder.
After I came to from surgery they informed me it ruptured right when they were taking it out. I spent about a week in the hospital, my baby mom came by to check on me and to pick a fight. Crazy shit was she got in to my phone and deleted a gang of females I knew from facebook. Then, while laid up wants to know who I’m fucking. More about that later.
Now the pain was gone and I’m like cool, business as usual. I got a month off work. Hung out with my daughter. It was nice. Then two weeks go by and my stomach starts up again. Only this time it was like someone was stabbing me. I go back to the ER, they admit me, and immediately give me morphine. The pain was still there.
Now in my mind I’m thinking about Vietnam movies where dudes get their leg shot off screaming, they give them that shit and they stop. I’m like what the fuck, have I done that many drugs in my life that morphine has no affect? I remember thinking well fuck they don’t have anything for my pain. Oh how wrong I was.
I hear the doc say give him dilaudid. Spoiler alert. This shit is CRAZY!!! I went from the worst pain ever to looking at the nurse like heeeey bitch you cute. I go up to a room higher than giraffe nuts, and pass out. Now literally weeks go by (from what they told me) I was gone like Wyatt Earps wife in tombstone. They have no clue whats going on, only I cannot take a poop.
I’m feeling rough and this pretty ass nurse walks in and says “time for an enema”. Like the way she said that shit made me laugh, all perky saying “ok I’m going to enter your asshole”. So she’s getting her stuff situated and she stares at me for a minute and says “We went to high school together didn’t we?”. Lemme tell you this is not a time you want someone to recognize you. Especially when they’re hot, best case scenario is she sees my homey during and she laughs. I’m polite and say yeah I remember you but never woulda thought we’d be meeting again like this. She laughed and then violated my pooper. I threw up. She left.
Now days go by, but it could be weeks. I have no clue. YAY DRUGS! One of the resident doctors comes in and she has a Jamaican accent. She proceeds to tell me they are going to take me off my meds to get me to poop. To which I reply in a Jamaican accent “get the fuck outta my face mon”. I have a habit of when I hear someone’s accent I start talking in it. Plus I’m higher than Katt Williams at a hip hop show. My family steps in an calls a specialist and they do a colonoscopy.
Now I have never had this much attention to my ass in my life! Maybe a finger once or twice, but they go in with like alien probes. I’m really foggy on what happens next and the info comes to me second hand. I wake up and my whole family is at my bedside and they all are crying. My very first thought was oh fuck I’m dead. I don’t feel any pain I must be dead. I try to sit up and my whole right side was like “nah we ain’t doing that” . I pull back the sheets and I have a colostomy bag on. Now I speak WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK!
My mom tells me to calm down and not to move. The doc will be by in a second. So in walks the doc (comb over blonde hair, tan, thin gold chain, corny white dude late 50’s). “Ok well you had two very large tumors we had to remove. Your colon was swollen 4 times it’s normal size and was about to burst. If we would have waited any longer it would have killed you”. Then he said colon cancer stage 3, now I ain’t hear shit else after that.
It was like a movie everyone’s voices just muted. He leaves and my first reaction is “I know I’m fulla shit but this is ridiculous” . But then the thought comes in that I might actually die from this and that I almost died already. I go in to a weird state of mind at that point. I had just given up. The road seemed so long and no real guarantee I would come out the other side. I start calling my friends and tell them what’s going on. Best response I got when I told one friend was “shouldn’t let so many dudes in that ass”.
My friends are dicks.
My daughter came in pretty much at my lowest point. All this time I’m worried about me but when I saw her it flipped so fast. I had no idea what was going on in her head, and I felt horrible for that. She walks up to my bed wearing a pretty dress from her last day as a fifth grader. I just put on my best smile and ask how she was.  She smiles and said she was good. Went in to her day and was just excited to talk about it. Then she asked if I was ok. I explain what’s going on and her reply was awesome. She just says well it’s ok you’ll go through chemo and you’ll be better. The way she said it, the confidence she said it with, I was like “oh I am a giant pussy”!

Elephant Indigestion

They say that it’s hell getting old. I can’t walk three steps in any direction without a random bone in my body making a very loud popping noise. I’m like God’s bubble wrap at this point. Pop, pop, fucking pop. That’s not the worst part about getting older though. Not by a long shot. The worst part about getting old is being surrounded by people who are getting old that are trying to stay young. I’m not talking about just the people I grew up with. I’m speaking more to things I grew up on, and the supposed masterminds behind them.

 

When I was younger I was a huge fan of a band called A Perfect Circle. Most people are more familiar with the lead singer’s other band, the far superior Tool. Their last album was so long ago that if it were a human, it’d almost be able to vote. Very recently they came out of retirement and released a new album. I had a reaction that I am getting all too familiar with now. It’s equal parts embarrassment and casual encouragement. It’s what I imagine a woman must feel like when a man prematurely ejaculates and they don’t want to hurt his feelings. Two or three of the songs are good enough to be my least favorite songs off of their old albums. The rest of it is more akin to a dumpster behind a Mexican restaurant on a hot summer day.

 

I used to think Maynard (the lead singer) could do no wrong. Now I’m all but convinced his entire career has served only one true purpose. It’s all been to ensure he’s never left alone in a room with a child. What the fuck happened to this guy? Look no further than Kurt Cobain for the brutally honest answer. Taking the suicide or murder fiasco out of the situation completely, Kurt did the one thing that ensures immortality in the entertainment business. He didn’t live long enough to start sucking.

His hair alone makes it illegal for him to go near a school.

 

This has happened to all of my favorite musicians, but it happens in almost all forms of entertainment. Sports stars get old and break down physically but won’t stop playing until they are boo’d off the fucking field/court. Even Quentin Tarantino went from an amazing talent to the guy that tries to put the N word in his movies as much humanly fucking possible. I bet if you made him take a polygraph right now and asked him if he’d like to change the title of Reservoir Dogs to Reservoir N_____s, he wouldn’t pass. That’s to say nothing of all that Harvey Weinstein rape he was privy to. Nerds have suffered the most.

 

If you ever happen upon a group of dorks, and you’d like to see them fight to the death, just ask out loud what they think about The Last Jedi. It might take these pussies several days to draw actual blood on each other, but it will end in death if you are patient enough. I was a ridiculously over invested Star Wars nerd before Disney bought them. I watch these new movies the way they were intended to be watched. Too many grown fucking men and a handful of women my age somehow missed that memo.

 

George Lucas doesn’t make the movies anymore. He invented Star Wars. If someone else makes a Star Wars movie, it’s fan fiction at best. Nerd porn at worst. We all had that member of our family that had a specialty dish that only they could make. They passed on the recipe and nobody else can make it as good. Try as they may, try as they might. I actually am quite fond of the new Star Wars movies because I have a huge man crush on Kylo Ren. His character is literally related to every major character from the beloved original franchise and he’s named after the most important minor one. The fact that he always looks like he is ready to cry and absolutely acknowledges he’s been crushed by the weight of not living up to the expectations of the ones we loved is hilarious to me. I’m surprised more people don’t get that. Maybe I just like a little bit of story in my porn. Who knows?

 

Bill Cosby raped a guy that looked like a man before it was cool to fuck women that looked like men. Billy Corgan tried to sell out the YUM center and like fifteen people bought tickets. Hulk Hogan went from saying his prayers, eating his vitamins, and all that to fucking his friend’s wife on video and going full Quentin Tarantino. You might counter my point with the grand return of Roseanne, but once your nostalgia boner wears off you’ll realize what an abortion that is too. On a long enough time line everything that was once considered cool will eventually suck. The reason that we care so much is that these people have the most important job of all. Curing our never ending boredom. It’s why I never can turn on my old favorites completely. I just pray to the God of skinny punks that I am dead before a marketing department gets behind a major push of bringing back boy bands. I barely survived it the first time.